Being a self employed business owner there was not a set time for my ex-husband to come home from work each day. So, hours before I thought he may come in I would make sure everything was perfect. The dishes were done. Dinner was almost ready. Everything was the way he liked it. When we heard the sound of a diesel engine we knew it was him, and he was coming down the street. The kids and I would run around the house for one last look when we heard him coming to make sure that nothing was out of place, and we were ready for him to come in the door. It was a frantic few minutes for sure. To this day, hearing a diesel engine makes me physically sick and this has always been my biggest emotional trigger!!
The next emotional trigger would be ringtones. I was not allowed to do anything without my cell phone. I had to answer the phone right away, or I would PAY FOR IT LATER!! There are several ring tones that I have had over the last several years, which of course I don't have now, but other people use them. When I hear a phone ringing with one of those tones I literally have a physical reaction - you know that moment, when your adrenaline is released and it runs throughout your body from fear??? That is my first reaction, then I become nauseous because I am afraid I am going to be in trouble and my legs and arms become weak. I have to steady myself for what is about to happen, which of course doesn't happen now that I am out of the abusive marriage, but my body still reacts as though I am....
The rest are not as big but I would like to share them with you.
- Wild onions in the spring. The smell of onions growing in the grass in the spring because this is the beginning of a long horrific mowing season.
- Camp sign. There is a sign in my local town and I was looking at the sign when my ex-husband told me I could not longer go to college since "I wasn't worth the risk". I knew that day that if I didn't work somewhere else our marriage wasn't going to make it.
- Traffic light. The traffic light where I threw up while driving to the next mowing job. I was eating so fast because we couldn't take lunch breaks. If we took a lunch break we weren't making money. If we weren't making money we were useless. So, I only had a few minutes and I was trying to eat a sandwich before I got to the next yard. I ate to quickly, choked, and threw-up.
- Wet grass. Oh my. If there was wet grass we would all PAY FOR IT! Jobs would take longer to complete and that was a huge NO NO!
- The Weather Channel. The Weather Channel was always on if I was home. I was required to watch the "Local on the 8's" every 10 minutes, because if he called to ask about any potential rain I needed to know where the rain was, how much longer he had before he got wet etc.
- Holidays. He hated holidays. It meant we had to spend money, which none of us deserved but him, and he did not like to be around any people so he was always anxious to leave. Holidays were extremely stressful.
- Birthdays. He hated birthdays too. This was a persons special day and no one should have a special day but him. I was never wished "Happy Birthday" and there were never any birthday gifts.
- Dinner. He controlled everything I cooked. He was always angry about supper. I could never cook it just right. Of course he could cook. In fact, he cooked very well if you asked him! Every day there was a huge stress about how bad supper was going to turn out!
- Home telephone ringing. We weren't allowed to answer the phone. He didn't want to talk to anyone so we couldn't answer. Whenever the phone rang there was tension in the air. If I talked to someone on the phone when I would hang up he would list the things I said wrong during my conversation. Eventually, I wouldn't talk on the phone when he was around to keep from hearing how I couldn't even have a conversation RIGHT!
- Mailman. In the last few years of our marriage I was not allowed to get the mail. He thought I was stealing money from our business. Think about it...it's OUR business, so how could I be stealing from it??? Of course I wasn't, but his mind was so twisted and so controlling I couldn't touch the mail until he went through it.
I want to be there for other women who are in unhealthy relationships. I so desperately wanted someone to hear me; someone to believe me. Now I can hear!! And I believe!!
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