Soul Murder

This was me after 24 years of marriage.

I realize we all have different experiences and different life events that shape us. That is why we are who we are and why we do what we do today. This is but a glimpse into the 24 year experience with my abusive ex-husband.

In my case the control started so very small. He would say things like:

• Don't wear that it's not flattering on you.
• If you wear jewelry that isn't gold (and we couldn't afford gold) it makes you look cheap.
• Don't go to the doctor because it costs too much money.
• WE can't afford for you to get your haircut (of course he got his hair cut).
• You shouldn't have said that! Didn't you see how she looked at you like you were stupid?
• You can't buy clothes because we don't have the money (yet we netted $100,000 per year).
• You can't go to college anymore. You are not worth the risk.
• Your parenting our children wrong. They are hurting because YOU have hurt them.

And the list can go on and on and on....

I felt as though I had been rolled over by a steam roller. After he was done with all of his rules and regulations there wasn't much, if any, of ME left! He controlled everything I did. Everywhere I went. Everything I ate. Everything I wore. Every aspect of my life. EVERYTHING! When I filed for a divorce I was but a shell of a person. There wasn't an ounce of ME left. I was afraid to talk to people. I wouldn't look at anyone. I just knew everyone was appalled by my appearance and stupidity, and just in awe that I would even be seen in public because I was so hideous. And the sad thing is... I didn't see it. I believed him. He was my husband. He was my life partner. There is no way someone who loves you (actually he never did) can do that to you.

When I attended the University of Phoenix for a year in 2008-2009 I was sure I would be laughed out of the school because I was so stupid. In actuality, many of my professors commented on how refreshing it is to have a student who is so diligent and does such excellent work! I left the University of Phoenix, after not being allowed to continue my education, with a 3.87 GPA. I completed my associates degree in accounting in June and I will graduate with Magna Cum Laude honors as well as the Presidents Cup honors in a few weeks. My GPA is still a 3.87 and I will complete my bachelors degree in accounting December 2014!

As I heal from the control and the abuse I have come to realize a few things. I am intelligent! I am not hideously ugly! I am an excellent parent! I can speak correctly! I can cook, and I am actually very good at it! I am ME, and I am good enough!!!!

You see...that's it! That's the problem. These guys who like to control people, who need to abuse people have the problem! Not us! My ex-husband hates who he is and feels so horrible about himself that in order for him to live in this world he has to make others feel worse than he does.  He is narcissistic. He is a master manipulator. He is an abuser.  HE is the one with the problem not me! 

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