Soul Murder

This was me after 24 years of marriage.

I realize we all have different experiences and different life events that shape us. That is why we are who we are and why we do what we do today. This is but a glimpse into the 24 year experience with my abusive ex-husband.

In my case the control started so very small. He would say things like:

• Don't wear that it's not flattering on you.
• If you wear jewelry that isn't gold (and we couldn't afford gold) it makes you look cheap.
• Don't go to the doctor because it costs too much money.
• WE can't afford for you to get your haircut (of course he got his hair cut).
• You shouldn't have said that! Didn't you see how she looked at you like you were stupid?
• You can't buy clothes because we don't have the money (yet we netted $100,000 per year).
• You can't go to college anymore. You are not worth the risk.
• Your parenting our children wrong. They are hurting because YOU have hurt them.

And the list can go on and on and on....

I felt as though I had been rolled over by a steam roller. After he was done with all of his rules and regulations there wasn't much, if any, of ME left! He controlled everything I did. Everywhere I went. Everything I ate. Everything I wore. Every aspect of my life. EVERYTHING! When I filed for a divorce I was but a shell of a person. There wasn't an ounce of ME left. I was afraid to talk to people. I wouldn't look at anyone. I just knew everyone was appalled by my appearance and stupidity, and just in awe that I would even be seen in public because I was so hideous. And the sad thing is... I didn't see it. I believed him. He was my husband. He was my life partner. There is no way someone who loves you (actually he never did) can do that to you.

When I attended the University of Phoenix for a year in 2008-2009 I was sure I would be laughed out of the school because I was so stupid. In actuality, many of my professors commented on how refreshing it is to have a student who is so diligent and does such excellent work! I left the University of Phoenix, after not being allowed to continue my education, with a 3.87 GPA. I completed my associates degree in accounting in June and I will graduate with Magna Cum Laude honors as well as the Presidents Cup honors in a few weeks. My GPA is still a 3.87 and I will complete my bachelors degree in accounting December 2014!

As I heal from the control and the abuse I have come to realize a few things. I am intelligent! I am not hideously ugly! I am an excellent parent! I can speak correctly! I can cook, and I am actually very good at it! I am ME, and I am good enough!!!!

You see...that's it! That's the problem. These guys who like to control people, who need to abuse people have the problem! Not us! My ex-husband hates who he is and feels so horrible about himself that in order for him to live in this world he has to make others feel worse than he does.  He is narcissistic. He is a master manipulator. He is an abuser.  HE is the one with the problem not me! 

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1st Life Changing Moment

It was the summer of 2009. My mom, my daughter and I were in Gatlinburg, Tennessee. We were staying in a chalet on the mountain and as we were walking to the house my mom and I were talking....

These were her words -

"You're just like an abused woman and you don't even know it."

As she spoke I am almost rolling my eyes as this is not a true statement. Over the next several months her words weighed on my mind! Could I be? Is she right? No way! Not me! But she was right. I was! That was me!

I realize this is a difficult topic. It is a topic we don't want to talk about. A topic we don't want to belive. But it is real. It happens everyday. It happened, unknowingly, to me. Can it be happening to you or someone you know? Are you in a relationship that has unhealthy boundaries? For example these were my unhealthy boundaries:

• I was only allowed to cook certain meals
• I was not allowed to make plans
• I was not allowed to listen to the radio
• I was not allowed to turn the volume up on the tv
• I was not allowed to use the remote for the tv
• I was not allowed to walk around the house or use the bathroom if my husband was sleeping
• I could not have a conversation with another person without being told all the things I said wrong
• I could not drive a car withoug being told how I am a terrible driver
• I could not grocery shop the way he wanted me to
• I could not clean the house properly
• I could not parent correctly
• I would have to carry my phone everywhere, even the bathroom, because I could not miss his call
• If I was home I had to watch the "local on the 8's" every ten minutes so I could give him an update of the current weather radar
• If I was not with my husband he timed me on everything - how long it took me to run an errand for him, how long I was at the store, etc
• There was NOTHING I could do right! I couldn't even go to the bathroom right!

Does any of this sound familiar? Is this you? Is this someone you know? When my mom first said those words to me, I didn't believe her, but then it was like the blinders slowly came off! I slowly began to see that the rules I had to live by were absurd!

So now where to we go? We have to help each other! We have to recognize these unhealthy boundaries and talk about them. That is why I wanted to start this blog. I desperately needed someone to hear me, someone to believe me. I hear you! I believe you!

Let's be this for each other. "Knowledge is power!" The more we talk about this the more we will realize how wrong it is, how unhealthy it is. I have been free for almost two years now, and I am finding my way to health and happiness. It has been a long hard journey, but I would not go back to the person I was before or the life I lived before. 

Please "Like" me on my Facebook page @ Life Full of Secrets

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2nd Life Changing Moment!

I found this book in 2011. It was a life changing moment for me. The author Lundy Bancroft knew my life and what I was going through so well, I felt as if he was hiding behind a curtain in my living room listening and watching us in person!

$10.99 at Amazon or available at your local library.



http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1379603697&sr=8-1&keywords=why+does+he+do+that

Please "Like" me on my Facebook page @ Life Full of Secrets

or email me @ lifefullofsecrets2013@gmail.com

Welcome!

Email me @ lifefullofsecrets2013@gmail.com

Welcome! Over the next few days I will be adding some resources and sharing some of my Life Full of Secrets! Thanks for joining me on this journey!